My New Scottish Rental Property: Timeshares Available

I just received my membership confirmation from the Friends of Laphroiag, the most brilliant beverage marketing program ever conceived.

Every member is given a lifetime lease on a one-foot square plot on the island of Islay (pronounced “aye-la”), where the Scotch is made.  The deal is, the distillery “pays you rent” in the form of a glass of Scotch if you visit the distillery, and they will actually provide you with a map and a flag to go claim your plot on the island and protective gear to make sure you survive the endeavor.

“Upon the Leaseholder’s arrival at Laphroaig we undertake to provide a map, with adequate directions for locating the PLOT, and suitable protective clothing against Islay’s rugged weather and eccentric wildlife.
The LEASEHOLDERS’ Cupboard will contain at all times essential equipment, including: For ascertaining the boundaries of the plot, one tape measure; a pair of wellingtons, size 12, approximately one foot in length.
For the journey to the plot, protective headgear against low-flying GEESE; a thick overcoat to repel the inclement Scottish mist; a lifebelt and anchor to safeguard against being blown out to sea; one ball of string for securing trouser legs from inquisitive stoats; and a towel for the Leaseholder to dry-off in the event of unwelcome attention from affectionate otters.”